www.brianhopecomedy.com

2011-10-12T10:20:00.005-04:00

Joke Thievery via Social Media

I have noticed this trend for a while now - joke stealing via youtube, facebook or twitter. For those of you who don't really understand what a joke thief is....it's pretty self-explanatory.

Comedians have their thoughts and they deliver them onstage. Many hope to make it "big" and become the next Louis CK (and if you don't know who that is then please stop reading this blog) with original material and make it as a touring comedian or get on tv. Some people like to take shortcuts with this though and take material that they have heard or read and either deliver it as their own or try and get a following on facebook or twitter by posting a joke they just heard and presenting it as their own.

I am one of the few "comedy police" and I have caught a few people doing this over the past couple of years. I saw a guy post two jokes on twitter that he heard from the comedy club the night before and post this as his own on Twitter. I let him know that it was not his joke and I alerted the comedian who's joke it was as well. Now - regular folk do this and there's not really much you can do about it. BUT this was another comedian posting this - and that is unacceptable. I caught the guy doing it again as he saw a comic a couple weeks ago at the club from the US, and I just happened to work with him and know his material, so I sent him another message letting him know to stop. His action was to unfollow me on twitter and defriend me on facebook. The only thing I could do was to send a tweet to ask comedians to keep an eye on him to make sure he wasn't doing it again.

The joke stealing will get worse - especially on Twitter. It would be so easy for someone to click on a hashtag (ie #disappointingactionmovies) and just write down all of the punchlines that are written on this, take the best ones, and write a joke about it. You have thousands of people trying to be funny on this hashtag and I KNOW there will be people there to take advantage of this.

Comedy Police has no authority. We cannot make arrests. I'm not really in the "comedy circle" that alot of guys are. I live in Kingston so I'm not even in the main city (Toronto) so all I can really do is just post on people's status updates and let them know that they have taken something that is not theirs. There's nothing else really to do. I could go ahead and post a guy's name on my blog and say "watch out for this guy" but that would just alert the two people reading my blog and that would also make me look like a jerk.

I was talking to a comedian and he said, "you shouldn't be posting your bits online anyway" (and he also said that he was guilty of posting someone else's status as his own and didn't see what the problem was). I can't speak for everyone but I don't post "bits" on Twitter or Facebook. They are just thoughts - and some are pretty funny. That's how you kind of build a mini fan-base. So if someone takes my Tweet, and instead of retweeting it and just reposting as his own, he is taking my thought and saying it is his. That, in a word, is stealing. You have to give the guy who wrote it recognition.

I have spoken to a few people about this but I get the feeling that I might be one of the only ones that thinks this is bad. Maybe it's that paranoia thing again (and no - still haven't heard from my buddy) and most importantly - maybe some comedians just don't care. I know some do of course. There are other "comedy police" out there that are trying to keep the integrity of stand-up comedy in check.

It's only a matter of time before someone makes it big by calling himself "Larry the Hashtag Guy".

Oh - and for the record - I think it's terrible to tell a "street joke" on stage. I have had this debate before where a comic said, "You have to do what it takes to keep them laughing. If your closing joke doesn't work - tell a street joke". My thought of this is - if you couldn't keep them laughing with your own material - maybe you shouldn't have been on that show. There are some audiences that are bad of course - but if the ship is sinking just go down with it and have a little pride.

Here's something from Patton Oswalt's site from when he had some material stolen from him: http://www.pattonoswalt.com/index.cfm?page=spew&id=143

2011-10-11T06:23:00.004-04:00

I just heard that they canceled the first two weeks of the basketball season. Well that's....ok, I tried. But I couldn't care less. One sport I could never get into.

My favourite sports go:

1. Baseball
2. Hockey
3. NFL
4. Nothing

My bottom two are definitely soccer and basketball and it's interchangeable which one is on the bottom. Really, it's whatever is on tv is worse. So if I flick on the tv and it's Soccer Saturday - it drops to the bottom of my list.

The baseball playoffs are on right now but with two kids we are trying to get as much sleep as possible so I've missed the endings of most games. Caught the grand slam by Nelson Cruz last night which would have been great if I was cheering for the Rangers. To be fair I more or less just pick a team and I don't really care who wins the World Series now as Toronto's not in and neither is San Fran. I'm also a closet Yankees AND Red Sox fan - so that should show my lack of devotion.

2011-10-10T13:03:00.009-04:00

Unfriending is the new thing

I've been defriended on facebook and unfollowed on Twitter twice for something that I had said in separate occasions.

The first one was in August and about this:

We went to Dave Paterson's wedding in August. Most everyone was there on time for the wedding with the exception of 4 people that we could count. Todd Van Allen and his girlfriend Agata along with David T. with his girlfriend.

They missed the entire ceremony. Now, that doesn't sound too bad. Preferably, if I was given the choice to go to a wedding and then have a meal afterwards or just have the meal afterwards - I'd probably just choose the latter. I'm sure most people would. The problem was that Todd was the MC of the wedding - so typically the MC shows up for the ceremony portion. He also had the video camera to record the wedding....so that was also just a wee bit of an issue.

They showed up afterwards and no one really looked happy. Of course - when you approach comedians you're really not going to get much sympathy. David & his girlfriend made Todd & Agata late because....well.....we don't know. David said that it was his fault and his girlfriend blamed him too but we never got a story. No story? No sympathy. Quite funny actually - but after seeing Agata and that she was upset about missing the ceremony Jason Blanchard, Andrew Evans and I turned it into a bit of a "roast David T." night.

It was all in good fun. Any chance we had we took a verbal jab at Mr. T. He was not taking it very well whatsoever. Our thoughts were, "it's your fault, you upset one of our friends, man up and take it for a night". Our jokes were about missing or being late for the wedding - all directed at Mr. T. I admit that it must have been a bit much as it went on for 7 hours (well - 6 hours as he missed the first hour - remember?).

The icing on the cake was when Todd turned to our table during the dinner as he was MC and announced our table to everyone saying something like, "here are the stars of Canadian comedy - you won't recognize a single one from TV". To which I replied "Some you won't even recognize from the ceremony".

Anyhoo - I guess this kept Mr. T. mad so he kept drinking and he was talking during all of the speeches so.....we continued this afterwards.

To make a long story less long - by the end of the night Mr. T. said that he was going to slash our tires and punch me in the face. In which I thought he was joking. Apparently he wasn't.

At around 1:30am, when Kathleen (my wife for you new readers - or reader I should say) and I were already back in our hotel room (we have two kids - we NEED sleep) he sent me a Facebook message apologizing and saying that he would never take a swing at someone. He also sent one to Kathleen apologizing as she was there the whole time as well. We laughed and went to sleep - it was a fun wedding.

That was Saturday night. On Monday I get a call from Mr. T and he told me that he actually WAS going to punch me. Now - I still don't actually believe this. He doesn't look like a fighter. If he did take a swing though he would have knocked me flat on my ass because I definitely wouldn't have expected it. Plus - I'm not a fighter either and I would most likely lose (I've got this weird fear of losing my two front teeth).

He was looking for an apology for what I said on the weekend. I let him know that I wouldn't apologize as he made one of the bride & groom's friends miss the wedding. Our jokes (wasn't just me remember - Andrew & Jason too - although I'm sure he didn't send an e-mail saying he was going to punch Jason or we would only refer to Mr. T. in the past tense) lightened the mood and if he had to take a few jokes in order to make this happen - so be it.

I even said "what are you going to do - defriend me on facebook and unfollow me on twitter?". And guess what happened.

I don't take offense to this - it's just a funny new thing with social media. "YOU'RE NO LONGER MY FACEBOOK FRIEND". Ahhh! I guess when Facebook reconnects you with everyone from high school you forget that you've actually grown up.

2011-10-09T20:48:00.005-04:00

October 9, 2011

So I'm not sure. Either my buddy is suffering from Depression or I am suffering from paranoia but I think I'm right.

This is a really strange situation that I'm in right now - a whole new realm of where I really don't know what to do. I've known this guy for 7 years. I know him very well and my closest buddy when it comes to comedy.

We had done many shows together and he is a great comic. He used to have a full-time job but got laid off a couple of years ago and he hasn't really been the same since. I think this is when I first started to notice this.

Since he got laid off he more or less kept to himself. He doesn't go out too much and he stays in his apartment. He'll show up at the odd comedy show and he will go out for some errands but other than that he is at home.

He has not gotten a new job so he mostly makes his money off of comedy. Most....a couple of years ago he started doing medical studies where he would show up at a clinic, they'd strap him to an iv while he takes pills and they monitor him and others. It's sad but some people do this to make some cash. It's a quick way to make a buck but certainly not the healthiest.

And I think that is what has really brought out his Depression. He would not respond to emails or voicemails for a week at a time. He doesn't keep in contact with his close friends. I'm not sure what he does - he has a vague excuse, apologizes, says it won't happen again - and then it does.

It's been a month since I've last heard from him. Not only is a he a friend - he was my business partner too so we typically kept in touch. A month. I hacked into his e-mail (as I received a couple of phone calls from people that were looking for him - not just random neurotic) and I saw that he hadn't checked his e-mails in 3 weeks (at that time - not it's 4) which I found odd as the first email that he hadn't read was from me continuing a normal conversation for that day.

Now - I know he's alive. That was priority one - to find that out. He was randomly spotted at a comedy show a week and a half ago. So he is around - not checking e-mail or his phone or responding to anyone. This is definitely not behavior from the guy that I know.

My problem is that there are really only two guys that care about him - me, who lives 3 hours away driving, and another guy who moved to England. His family doesn't live in the same province so there's really no one to check on him anymore.

We've sat him down for a mini-intervention before but that didn't work and now that no one's around we have no way of knowing how he's doing. This is just a nutty situation and I'm mostly typing this to see if I can figure out what to do.

Of course - if he sends me an e-mail saying that he was getting help for the past month hence the non-response then I'll feel like an idiot. I'd still be correct though.

And then Sens suck really bad this year.

2011-08-15T20:07:00.001-04:00

You ever see that Criminal Minds where Giddeon adjusts the clock in the terrorist's cell in order to reveal the location of a bomb?

We are doing that with Ethan's clock in order to get him to stay in bed an extra 10 minutes.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

So.....

2011-08-15T19:53:00.001-04:00

Comedians can't take a joke. For the first time that I know of someone has defriended me on facebook and unfollowed me on twitter.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Ethanator

2011-08-15T19:50:00.001-04:00

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Favourite quote

2011-07-02T07:01:00.001-04:00

"it's better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6".

Those are words to live by.
www.brianhopecomedy.com

2011-06-28T09:48:00.002-04:00

Dear Beer,

We've known eachother for 15 or 16 years. You've been with me through the best of times, the worst of times, the regular of times, the most boring of times.

You helped me make rash decisions on whether I wanted McDonald's at 2am. You always wanted it so I always gave it to you. I don't know why you always wanted a Junior Chicken, a Double Cheeseburger with no pickles and a chocolate shake - but you did.

You've been with me throughout all celebrations in my adult life. Like when I got married. When I heard Kathleen was pregnant. When the Sens made it to the Cup Finals. When I was forced to watch soccer.

But Beer, you haven't been very good to me. I gained a lot of weight when I was with you and I didn't appreciate that. You did it while I was laughing and having a good time so I didn't notice. Not until someone mistook me for one of my buddies who is much bigger than me - and that did it.

That was 3 years ago beer - and while I worked really hard in losing the weight that you gave me I have now reached a plateau. I've lost over 40 pounds and I need to lose 10 more pounds - JUST 10 - but you won't let me do it. You keep saying "Hey - let's go out and get some wings!" - and I would succumb to your peer pressure.

But not anymore Beer. Not anymore.

I've been without you for over 6 weeks now and I'm not coming back. I originally said that I wanted to be away from you for a year - but I'm just leaving you for good. And no, I'm not going to start cheating on you with Rum - I don't drink those drinks. You were my one and only.

Please change your Facebook status from "It's Complicated" to "Single" as I ain't coming back.

And yes, I'll be writing Crack an e-mail in the next few months.

IMG00315-20110614-1236.jpg

2011-06-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

www.brianhopecomedy.com

IMG00276-20110530-1006.jpg

2011-05-30T13:53:00.000-04:00

www.brianhopecomedy.com

Day 15

2011-05-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

No beer. And someone has "borrowed" a punchline to one of my bits. Wrong week to do that.
www.brianhopecomedy.com

IMG00260-20110528-0953.jpg

2011-05-28T22:07:00.000-04:00

www.brianhopecomedy.com

2011-05-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

Ethan's best quote to date - this was on May 4th:

‎"Daddy, can I wake Mommy up at 6am so she can play with my Woody?" - Ethan Hope, 5:15 AM and referencing his doll from Toy Story.

IMG00248-20110521-1059.jpg

2011-05-24T21:08:00.002-04:00

www.brianhopecomedy.com

Day 9

2011-05-24T21:08:00.001-04:00

No beer. Why is that an accomplishment?
www.brianhopecomedy.com

Day 3 of no smoking

2011-05-18T07:56:00.001-04:00

And no drinking. The only reason I am cutting out alcohol as typically when you try and quit smoking you gain weight. So I might as well stay away from beer for a while.

So if you see me eating McDonald's with a beer and a smoke then you may be witnessing a full meltdown.
www.brianhopecomedy.com

My boy this morning

2011-05-18T07:14:00.000-04:00

www.brianhopecomedy.com

Breakfast

2011-05-18T06:57:00.000-04:00

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

So

2011-05-10T23:35:00.001-04:00

May 11, 2011

I am quitting alcohol for one year. I will pretend I am pregnant. Hopefully I won't look it.

I am keeping one Labatt Blue in my fridge and I will keep it one year to this day. I assume beer gets better with age.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

2011-05-05T11:03:00.002-04:00

My letter to Bell Canada this morning - luckily I did not write this yesterday when it actually happened.

To Whom It May Concern,

I doubt this e-mail will actually reach management but I thought I would give it a shot anyway.

I had a simple request – so I thought. I did not realize that in the history of Bell this had never been asked so I do understand the confusion that happened with my phone line.

Here is the gist of the situation:

I have two phone lines. To really simplify the situation – I have one phone line upstairs (home phone) and one phone line downstairs (business) in my office. To REALLY simplify this – let’s call my home line “Jack 1” and my business line “Jack 2”.

I called Bell the week of April 20th to see if I could cancel Jack 1. We don’t use that one as we have cell phones so we thought we would be smart economically and cancel the upstairs line. I said specifically on that call that I want Jack 2 to stay where it is. It is my business line so I need it in my office.

Easy, right? The person assured me that they would flip a switch in 6 days and the job would be done. Excellent – easiest call I have ever made, right?

April 27th – Jack 1 is canceled - which is what I wanted. Jack 2 – moved to Jack 1 – which is exactly what I didn’t want. SURPRISE!

We only found this out because my wife picked up a ringing phone upstairs (because really, who would not pick up a ringing phone) only to find out that it was a client of mine. Oh – and by the way – trying to make an excuse to my client saying my secretary needs to learn how to properly answer the phone gets me in trouble with my wife too. So Bell also assisted me in sleeping on the couch for an evening.

Now I have no working phone in my office and my work phone is ringing upstairs. Jack 2 has no dial tone.

I called Bell on Friday, April 29th. I had a great conversation with a Bell rep and he understood my situation so I thought. We spoke for 25 minutes. He kept on saying “What were they thinking? Why would they do EXTRA work to switch your phone lines?” I could not answer that. I just said I wanted the phone line in Jack 2.

We laughed, we cried, and then he said they would flip a switch by Tuesday to get everything sorted out. Good – I hung up the phone and cried again watching the Royal Wedding. Joyous! Oh – and for future calls – please speak to your employees about lingo. Don’t say “flip a switch” – make it more wordy so it sounds more difficult than it actually is. Maybe just say “the ‘communications lab’ will have this ready for you”. Just a suggestion of course.

Fast forward to yesterday – May 4th.

If you DO record the conversations please have a listen to this one. You might want to get some popcorn.

I call up – gave my number and started to explain my situation. He lets me know that I shouldn’t worry – the repair was done on Friday. I’m calling from the phone in question – it is clearly not done.

He then asked me if I had tried calling my own phone. So – by him asking me this I clearly knew he had no clue what I was talking about. Maybe it was his first day, maybe he decided to go against the norm and not use a computer – but he did not know my issue.

Yet – when I started to re-explain my situation he said “I know the situation”. To which I replied, “REALLY? OK, tell me my situation”. To which he replied, “I don’t know the situation”.

That was three seconds of my life wasted right there.

I then tried as best as I could to re-explain – and this is partly my fault as I did call just before noon and I’m sure he just wanted to go to lunch. I personally thought he had already but that’s a different story altogether.

Me: “I just want my phone number to be in Jack 2”.

Bell: “That’s a $99 fee”.

Me: “Why?”

Bell: “We have to send a technician out”.

Me: “So you’re telling me…..I made a request to cancel Jack 1. I asked specifically for Jack 2 to stay where it is. Bell moved it. And now I have to pay?”

Bell: “Yes – because we have to send a technician out. It’s a $99 fee”.

Me: “I was not told of this before. Why do I have to pay because you screwed up? I want to speak to someone else. Your supervisor.”

Bell: “He will tell you the same thing - $99 technician fee”.

Me: “Transfer me to your supervisor”.

Now – mind you – I guess if this person excelled at anything it was learning about the $99 fee. I give him an A for that.

On your website under How Does Bell Commit To Their Customers it says:

“We will strive to ensure that pricing information is presented clearly”.

Let’s give him an A+!

Although – the next line on your website says:

“We will be helpful and courteous in your dealings with us”

He receives an F for customer service, listening, empathizing and solving issues. But he does know that fee so if you do happen to speak to him – please start off positively by saying “Hey, the customer mentioned that you knew about our technician fee”.

He finally transfers me. Not to his supervisor of course – that would be what I asked for and clearly I was not getting what I asked for today.

He put me through to Bell Repair – which is what I wanted. I told the new guy my situation – and I said the words I KNEW I shouldn’t have said. I said my “business line” – the guy was very happy to transfer me to “Business Repair”. I let him know that they would not help me – I am not a business. He said that he would transfer me.

Now I’m with “Business Repair”. And I must say (and gee – I really hope you’re listening to all of this from the recorded conversation!) that the phone line on his end was absolutely terrible. I call Bell Canada and some of your guys are using the Magic Jack. Wonderful! Who knows – maybe he’s waiting for someone to flip a switch for his new phone line too.

As expected – the “Business Repair” said they could not help me as I am a residential line. I let him know that I knew that and then we cried again. I got transferred back.

To make a long story less long – I think I was finally helped. The person I spoke to said she would waive the technician fee. I think she expected me to jump for joy at this gracious news but to be honest – as soon as I heard about the $99 fee I knew I wasn’t paying it. They are sending out a technician on Tuesday May 10th – approximately 3 weeks after my original request to put the phone line back to where it originally was.

The total time for this one call is 1 hour and 1 minute. I hope you enjoyed listening to the call – it was a whole lotta fun on my end.

I’ll be canceling my phone and internet service at the end of the month – and yes, we will keep our cable as we signed a two year contract and frankly I have not had any problems with my cable.

If you have any questions please feel free to call me at 613-544-6726. It may ring a few times before I answer as I have to run up the stairs to get it.

Best Regards,

Brian

Brian Hope
Business Development Sales Manager
******************
613-544-6726

2011-04-09T10:34:00.005-04:00

Boston Pizza's pizza slogan should be "It seems like a good idea at the time". Just feeling fantastic this morning. I'm in Toronto - I took the MEGABUS to Toronto from Kingston. I really don't like the bus - but the train was $140 and this was $36. My logic kicked in and said "I could save $100 if I take the bus". And that seems great until I actually get on the bus. I would have paid $500 to take any mode of transportation. The guy next to me was a student who decided to do work for the whole trip. He's right-handed so he kept elbowing me as he wrote. I was thinking of punching him but then it would have been awkward for the remainder of the three hours. I got here on Wednesday and performed for Marriott associates at a hotel at Yonge and Bloor. Easily one of the best shows of my life. After the show my buddy Chris and I headed out to Dakota Tavern to see a Stones coverband which was pretty cool. I got a text while we were there saying that a bunch of people from the show went into the elevator and got stuck in there for over an hour. THAT'S why I take the stairs. I'm not sure what happened for the rest of the evening but we wound up at Fran's Restaurant at 2:30am. The health kick is being slightly delayed. Thursday - my former fabulous neighbor Rhonda got me free tickets to the Jays game. I got 4 tickets so I gave them out to a few guys who I apparently didn't tell that the tickets were free. All of them brought money for the tickets. Yes, it did go through my head that if I took this money it would justify me buying a train ticket back to Kingston. But I couldn't do it. I got a beer and a hot dog at the game. $19.00. Thank you for that Toronto. Thursday and Friday were shows at Absolute Comedy on Yonge Street and I'm here until Sunday.

2011-03-21T10:03:00.002-04:00

Jaden is just over a month old now and she's slowly adjusting to sleep through the night. Right now she's sleeping from about 11pm until 6am so it is a start. I'm getting a lot more sleep than Kathleen but I'm still not getting much. Da baby has started to smile now so that's great - she's doing a little something new every day which is awesome.

Off to Brockville on Thursday and that's it for comedy this week. I said that I would take March off to stay home with Jaden and Kathleen so I've done pretty good by only doing 3 shows.

2011-03-14T08:50:00.001-04:00

Shows coming up:

March 24 - Brockville

April 7-10 - Absolute Comedy Toronto

April 26-May 1 - Absolute Comedy Ottawa

June 18 - some place near Bobcaygeon - that's right - it's so remote that Bobcaygeon is the reference point

June 23-25 - Cottage Comedy Festival

2011-03-06T14:41:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be spending it at the Ministry of Transportation office and Health Canada office as both of my cards expire and I did not realize it. I told Kat that I didn't receive anything in the mail about it and she told me that I did. I checked....and I did. Fun times!

2011-02-24T02:05:00.001-05:00

Well it is 2am on a work night. No - I didn't go out......I was hanging out with Miss Jaden while Kat got some sleep. So she slept on my stomach for about 2 1/2 hours. It can't get much better than that in life.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

2011-02-21T21:58:00.000-05:00

Miss Jaden Corey Ella Hope! Born Feb 15 at 3am.

I will put up more pics in a bit. Just haven't had the energy to put a blog together since she was born. Beauty girl and Ethan loves her (as do we obviously).

New goal on the blog. My quest to 170 pounds. I am at 178 right now and I'm looking to take the next step.

And by step.....on Wednesday, for the first time in a long time, I'm going to jog. I don't care what the weather is like - I'm doing it (as long as it is not snowing, raining and it has to be perfectly sunny out).

Also - to assist with this I am cutting out beer for 30 days - not even one. Along with this - no fast food for 30 days.

I'm finished day 3 of no beer and day 2 of no fast food. Should be a hoot. I don't even know why I go to McDonalds. I finish a junior chicken burger in 2 minutes - hardly even seems worth it. But they are so good....
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

2011-02-14T18:09:00.001-05:00

No sign of baby. We are impatiently waiting.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

2011-02-13T20:28:00.003-05:00

Ethan's birthday is today. We thought the baby might arrive on the same day as him but it looks like it won't. There are still 3 1/2 hours left...but doubtful. I'm no doctor but I think I can eyeball labour now.

Ethan had fun - had both families over to celebrate his 3rd bday. The last one before his world changes. Well - our worlds. I keep asking Kathleen what it was like when Ethan was a baby. I don't know how that is all blank in my head....but I have a feeling that I blocked it out of my memory on purpose.

2011-02-11T19:53:00.002-05:00

My package arrived today. Kathleen asked me to order this thing we saw on an Infomercial called U-Glue. It's an adhesive that could do anything. A guy stuck it on his ceiling and attached his chin-up bar to it and did chin-ups (obviously). Amazing! We have this green plastic frog that we bought to hold Ethan's toys and that adhesive didn't work well so we thought U-Glue would be the answer.

The box came and.....it says in the instructions that it can only hold up to 3 pounds. 3. Pounds. I'm not positive - but I'm pretty sure the guy in the commercial weighed more than 3 pounds. Maybe he had one-dimensional disease - I don't know. But we got screwed.

This will not deter me from buying the slap-chop though.

2011-02-09T08:50:00.001-05:00

I am terrible at Jeopardy. Anytime the term "Poets" or "Geology" pops up my brain shuts down. I will guess Edgar Allen Poe for all quotes - haven't been right yet. And "big rock" for Geology.

Shows coming up:
Feb 20 & 24 - private events in Toronto
Feb 26 - Cannington

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

2011-02-07T20:13:00.002-05:00

I think Ethan had a coffee and couldn't really sit still. He only had a half-hour nap at school but it didn't really show.

His rendition of of the C is for Cookie song.

2011-02-06T19:38:00.004-05:00

Watching Super Bowl - no update on baby yet! Here's a video clip from a show last week. I have posted this on YouTube -

http://www.youtube.com/user/BHoe?feature=mhum#p/a/u/0/uC02j1qNwaM

I've been pretty good at switching up the videos on there. I'm sure when the second baby comes that will be put on hold.

2011-02-05T18:24:00.002-05:00

Here's a write-up from the show we did last Saturday at the Waterdown Lions Club.

2011-02-01T20:40:00.001-05:00

I was on Kingston local TV today promoting The Boob Tour. Was pretty fun actually and the guy that interviewed me may do a spot on the upcoming amateur night.

I cut Ethan's hair today - I missed so many spots......

This is updated via my blackberry - good old technology.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

2011-01-31T19:38:00.003-05:00

I just heard today that another comic left Yuk Yuks, the biggest comedy club company in Canada. I don't know if he left on his own merit or not but it's none of my business anyway.

They are the biggest comedy club in Canada and it's either you work for them or work on the independent scene. I've worked on the independent scene my whole career. When I started in Ottawa I worked the open-mic nights at the Yuks club in Ottawa. I asked for an opening spot and never got one. I may not have deserved one - I do not know. I didn't think of it as a career back then - it was just something fun to do every second Wednesday.

When Kathleen and I moved to Toronto I decided to give it a real shot. We both quit our jobs in Ottawa and moved out here so I could do comedy and she would be closer to Peterborough where her family was from. Hey - if you're ever moving - try to get a transfer....don't just quit your job. Lesson learned.

I did try out the New Talent nights at the Yuk Yuks in Toronto and met Mark Breslin who watched my set. He gave me a speech, which I'm sure he's told many times, about there being a all of these comedians trying to squeeze out of a bottle and many are caught in the bottle-neck. OK, so I don't remember how the story completely went but I got the gist of it. The gist was - he wasn't going to put me on his roster anytime soon. Which is fine - I'd rather someone be honest with me up front instead of saying "call next Tuesday" or something like that. Much better to know right away - that was in 2003 as I remember that I pretty well just moved there.

Although I did find it a little weird as Mark did mention to me that he was happy to see that I did not make fun of him on a comedy website that we went on which was www.torontocomedy.com. He said that he didn't read it but his lawyers did. My eyes just kind of stayed on the door - hoping someone would come in to break up this conversation. Maybe just get up and leave and receive the dead fish handshake goodbye.

So I went the Independent route. Which I'm VERY happy I did. I love working the clubs and the one-nighters that I do and I can book my own shows without any consequences.

There are pros and cons to both.

A lot of people bash Yuk Yuks - especially people that don't work for them anymore - but I have never had a problem with them. They do have quite an advantage over the indie scene. Ontario alone has at least 8 clubs so that is 8-16 weeks of work right there. Absolute Comedy has 2 clubs so that would be 2-4 weeks of work a year. I do love Absolute though - it's such a fun club - especially the Ottawa one. www.absolutecomedy.ca

Working for Yuks would be a great way to start. You get SO much more stage time. I may be doing one show on a Saturday night while someone else is doing 5 shows over the same weekend. But, due to a couple of reasons, I have absolutely zero desire to work for them. I'd be happy to do their clubs but I wouldn't sign onto their roster if I was asked.

I can see a lot of people outgrowing Yuk Yuks and moving on to their own thing but I doubt any one of them regret ever working there. I could be wrong - but I never have been before.

2011-01-31T16:54:00.002-05:00

We got 2 great feedback emails from the shows on the weekend and we will be booked by the groups again so that's awesome.

Tomorrow I will be on CKWS in Kingston doing a TV interview to promote the show happening at Time To Laugh Comedy Club on Wednesday. The show is run by James Uloth and is called The Boob Tour. Should be a hoot.

2011-01-30T19:49:00.003-05:00

I missed 2 days in a row on my blog BUT I do have a valid excuse. Well...not completely valid - but we had 2 shows on the weekend. Great shows I must say.

The first was in Belleville at the Empire Theatre - there were about 450 people at the show and they loved it. I booked the show but I was not onstage as I did the show last year. That's the rule - if you did it the year before then you don't do it again for at least about 5 years. Some comics don't follow that rule, do the shows themselves again and will eventually not get booked at the venue. So....long story short - I just went to watch.

The line-up was David Tsonos, Darryl Purvis and Ward Anderson. Fun times had by all - especially on the car ride back as we poked fun at Tsonos for about an hour and a half. He can take it - he's Ukranian or something like that.

I stayed the night in Belleville with the guys and they ended up ordering a pizza at 2:15. At 3am Darryl had fallen asleep and Dave cancelled the pizza. It was a little bit of a challenge to cancel the pizza at first as they ordered from Pizza Pizza but Dave kept calling Pizza Hut.

On Saturday morning I drove home at around 6:15, picked up some Timmy's for Ethan, Kat and I and hung out at the house for the afternoon. I left again around 2pm, picked up Darryl and Dave and made our way to Hamilton. We dropped Tsonos off on the way to the show as we had Dave Paterson booked on the Hamilton show.

That show was ALSO great. I didn't know how this show was going to turn out but they ended up selling out the venue. Darryl and I got there at around 6:30pm and I brought my speaker in as we had our own sound system. I thought it was for 120 people - but it was for 230 people. So our sound system would SUCK. It's good for about 150 people maximum. Luckily the Hall we were in had a sound system so after fiddling with it for an hour we finally got it going. That's why you should always get to the venue early. If we got there at 7:30 we would have been screwed. I thank Dave Paterson for pressing the magic button to get it going.

Dave and Darryl weren't happy with their sets but they did well. It's just hard to follow such an awesome, good-looking MC. Oh, and I went over time so I probably screwed them over. I was supposed to do 20 minutes off the top but i forgot to start my watch so I had no clue where I was for time. Turns out I did 30 minutes to start off the show. I had an awesome time though - Dave taped some of it so I'll post a clip in the next couple of days.

I drove back from Hamilton last night and got in around 2am. Ethan came into my room at 5am asking me if I wanted to play. Luckily he got the clue that I wasn't in a playing mood and he let me sleep until about 7. I know - sleeping in. We went outside for a little bit and he tried to help me make cookies.

2011-01-27T21:34:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to get my blog to look somewhat cool so you'll see it change a few times over the next couple of weeks. I e-mailed Dayna to see how she got hers to look so good - you can click on her blog on the top-right of mine. I've also added my brother's website, Blanchard's and Dave Paterson's blog.

I just found out tonight that I may have to go and buy a new microphone. Not the biggest issue in the world but we do need one for Saturday so I'll have to run out pretty quick if we can't locate it. So - I need to learn in the next 16 hours what a good brand of microphone is. I know that ones that say "karaoke" are NOT good. There - I hope you learned something today.

Kathleen's last day of work is tomorrow - we're pumped up. We figure she'll have one or two weeks off and then.....BABY!

We've toyed around with names for the past couple of months and there is one that we both love. It just kind of came out of nowhere (and no - she won't be named "Rainbow") but it's a cool name, I've yelled it a few times to test it out and it is "mad approved", so we are good to go. We haven't told anyone the name yet and we are going to wait until the baby is born before we let everyone know.

2011-01-26T19:43:00.002-05:00

Well - apparently I was only sick for one day. I called my buddy Chris because whenever something is going wrong with me - there's always something worse with him. It's not that he's trying to "one-up" me - he just doesn't have great luck.

I called him to tell him that I was sick and he told me his roof was leaking. Definitely having a worse day.

I helped my grandmother with tech support. She is the only person who thinks that I am a genius with a computer so I always try and do my best. She clicked on something and her e-mail disappeared so I worked on it and got her e-mail back. She gave me a box of Pringles for my assistance. Fair deal me thinks.

2011-01-25T19:24:00.003-05:00

I somehow got sick. I woke up and thought I was going to throw up - perfect way to start off a Tuesday. I did lose 2 pounds though - who would have thought not eating would make you lose weight? What a brilliant concept!

I had the washer repairman over this morning as our washing machine wouldn't drain. I tried to fix it myself and quickly watched 30 litres of water pour onto the basement floor. Luckily there's no carpet in the laundry room (although I don't remember ever seeing carpet it any laundry room) so I just had to put down a few dozen towels and I was good to go. The washer repairman used a different tactic - know as his "experience" - and fixed it immediately. Good guy and gave me some great tips. First tip - don't try and fix it myself.

Kathleen is done work in 3 days - we're pretty pumped!

2011-01-24T19:51:00.003-05:00

The power went out on our block today. There was a light post on fire and Hydro One thought it would be best to shut off the power for 2 hours in - 30 weather. I hope they needed to do that.

We ended up lighting candles in the basement and having a good time talking and Ethan enjoyed it after his meltdown. He cried because we couldn't turn the lights on....it's tough to explain to a 3 year old why you can't turn the lights on. "Ya because Hydro One had to shut the pow.." "Daddy - turn the lights on!". That's pretty well how the conversation went.

2011-01-23T19:42:00.002-05:00

My teams in football are the 49ers and the Raiders so I really don't have a team to cheer for, nor have I for the past 10 years, in the playoffs. Having said that - I'm glad to see the Packers win (I'm anti-Favre) and I'm hoping the Jets win for the Super Bowl in two weeks. I might not be able to see the Super Bowl as I may be in a delivery room - that I do not know.

2011-01-22T20:25:00.004-05:00

I was supposed to head up to Gravenhurst for our friend Michelle's 40th birthday but Kathleen hasn't been feeling well so I stayed with the fam today. We did check and got tickets to go see a Sesame Street play which Ethan loved. There were about 1,000 people there I think - quite a few less than I thought there would be. I think all of the adults had kids with them - if they did not then it would be a little worrisome.

I saw the show with Mike Wilmot, Mike Beatty and Terry Clement last night. Nick Carter did an opening spot in Ottawa and it's one of the best, if not the best, show I've seen at the Kingston club. Great crowd for the most part until towards the end when the front row got a wee bit too drunk but for the most part it was awesome. I have no clue why people go out and try and ruin a show - but you should never try that with Wilmot. You will not win.

2011-01-21T20:11:00.002-05:00

Comedian Idol in Kingston last night was.....interesting. It's the amateur contest that they have in the city and Kingston breeds some weird folks. A few were funny and a lot were not - which is what you do expect at a competition like this. It is fun to watch guys go up for their first time.

I'm pretty well going to the opposite of Comedian Idol tonight - it's with Mike Wilmot, Mike Beatty and Terry Clement. A fantastic show and I hope the audience comes out to see these guys as this might be the best show they've had in a couple of years. Might....I've only been here 7 months so they might have had a better show but I can't think of one.

2011-01-20T14:32:00.003-05:00

Going to Time To Laugh in Kingston tonight with my buddy Steve to check out the Comedian Idol amateur night. It's always interesting. There's usually AT LEAST one pretty racist guy or girl and we'll see if this holds true.

Here's a link to my blog's Gallery page - it has a radio interview on there that I did in November and it was one of the more fun ones to do. One - because I just got back from Afghanistan so I got to talk about that for a bit - and Two - it was relaxed. It was promotion for a show in Cornwall.

http://www.brianhopecomedy.com/gallery

You don't have to press play - it automatically plays.

Oh - and CORRECTION - I've actually lost 40 pounds - I forgot that the scale I had was 3 pounds off. I'm very obsessive about this as I actually have 2 scales in the bathroom. One to show my weight and the other to confirm that the first scale is correct. Now if they are both wrong - hell I'll never know.

2011-01-19T19:55:00.004-05:00

It's official - 3 days in a row I weighed in at 175 pounds. SO that means I have lost 37 pounds since 2008. Not too shabby. So how did we celebrate? We had McDonald's. Brilliant. That's like a guy quitting smoking and celebrating with chewing tobacco.

Jason Blanchard (www.jasonblanchard.com) booked me on a gig for Monday in downtown Toronto. I love the last-minute pop-up bookings and I heard from him that it was a good show last year so....this year will be iffy. It always is. Whenever you show up to a show it's always one person that says "man - it was SO PACKED last year - I don't know why no one showed up this year". This show is more like a corporate show I guess so people will show up but hopefully it will be as fun as last year.

I'm doing the show with Darryl Purvis - a guy I've known for 6 or 7 years I think. The last time we met up was at a golf tournament in the summer with Don and Minnie Courts. That was fun - the only thing was that I was apparently the best golfer - and DAT AIN'T GOOD. I shoot mid-90's but most of the good golfers are in the 70's. We had fun regardless and took advantage of the open-bar that was open one hour before the tourney.

We're doing 2 shows together next week and I also booked him on a 3rd show in the same week but i won't be performing as I did it last year. That show is on Friday, January 28th in Belleville at the Empire Theatre and it is by far our most successful show. I'm going to show up to see how the turnout is and how the show goes. Belleville's only 45 minutes away so it's a pretty easy drive.

Just so you know - if you do a show one year - you should not do the show the next year. If it's an annual event no one wants to see the same guy again. FYI.

2011-01-18T20:43:00.003-05:00

Had my parents over for their farewell dinner before they take off to Scotland on Thursday. My oldest brother lives there with his wife and 3 kids and I wish we could go over there too but it's a little tough to travel right now....maybe after the baby is....17. Or 2.

We had sweet chili Thai chicken for dinner. Me made it and I'll definitely have it again. Considering we have leftovers we'll probably be having it tomorrow.

I just got booked for a show on Monday in Toronto so I'll be heading up that way once again. I'm on a mission to find a Danier leather jacket so if there are any outlets along the way I may swing by. I have two already but I'm going to give those away and get another one that's more my style.

2011-01-17T19:53:00.003-05:00

It's Monday - a few more Mondays to be a father of one. Soon - there will be a brand new baby girl in the house - that's going to be crazy! We're excited and Kathleen has gotten the baby's room mostly ready. I helped out by lifting a box of books, dropping it and leaving the room. That was a few days ago - I've got a feeling that she hasn't moved the books....considering she's 8 1/2 months pregnant.

Kat and I were playing Jeopardy on the tv tonight - I'm not sure why but we just have a competition to get the right answer. After playing the game we both realized that we need to learn quite a few things.

2011-01-16T15:38:00.004-05:00

The pic above makes it look like he lost a battle with a snowmobile.

Went out and wandered the streets with Ethan. We went to shovel the driveway but our neighbor was awesome and snow-blowed it for us beforehand. Everything was pretty well done by the time we got out there. I do feel bad but he says that he loves to use the snowblower AND I've been sick all weekend so I will accept that. I think he has beer coming his way.

Ethan and I went for a walk. It should only take 10 minutes to walk around the block but it took us just over an hour. He would stop, pick up some snow, see a bigger snowball, put his down and grab that one, and repeat.

When Ethan was down for his nap Kathleen and I were in the basement and heard a really loud noise. Kind of sounded like a window breaking so we raced up the stairs. Turns out - in the sunroom - we had a plastic bottle of diet coke out there that just EXPLODED. When you open up the door the only thing you can smell is coke. I took a couple of pics - with the second pic if you just look at the ground you'll see what looks like brown ice - well it is brown ice now. I have no idea how I am going to clean that up. And yes - I will leave the coke and the apple juice bottle in the sunroom just to see what happens.

2011-01-15T18:19:00.002-05:00

I don't know how I got sick but I did. Kathleen and Ethan are fine....but me? Stuffed up and wanted bed-rest for the day. I work from home so it's not like I could have caught something at the office.

Having a 2 year old prevents any sort of rest though so we played hide and seek (Ethan told me where to hide and then would look for me - reminds me of Louis CK's bit - if you haven't seen it I can send you the youtube link) and built a castle with his blocks. It doesn't really look like a castle but he mainly just stacks them up and then says "BOOM!" and knocks them all down.

I was all set to have Quickbooks set-up on my computer - ready to buy it and everything.....then I found out that they don't make Quickbooks for Mac. Brutal. It is available in the US but not in Canada. Sonofa. Oh well - I'll work off Excel spreadsheets until I get something good.

2011-01-14T17:36:00.002-05:00

Well - our little business is slowly taking off. Andrew Evans and I have been prospecting clients for the past couple of years. In 2008 we had 4 bookings, in 2009 we had 11 booking. In 2010 we had 21 bookings so our goal for this year is 26 bookings for our comedy agency.

Can it be done? Quite simply - yes. The foundation has been set so we are receiving inquiries via our website now which is fantastic. We have some repeat clients and we have had referrals as well. The quality of our shows are pretty darn good so we do expect to get the call again when a company is looking to book another function.

We set the goal in December for 26 bookings - it's now the second week of January and we already have 10 bookings. If we don't achieve our goal...I'll blame Andrew.

2011-01-13T21:09:00.002-05:00

I did not find anything cool on Kijiji but Kathleen did - so on my way back from Mississauga to Kingston I picked up a stroller from a house in Oshawa. Normally $300 and they sold it for $120. I checked to make sure it had all 4 wheels and it did so we should be good to go. I'll wait for the "stroller recall" e-mail to come tomorrow.

Had a fun show at the Mississauga Convention Centre today. I was with Andrew Evans and we performed for a software company. I'm not sure what it was but Andrew's and my voice both completely dried up during our set. Very odd. I got Andrew a water while he was onstage. He did not extend me the same courtesy. What a guy.

That's the last show for me until the 29th. I have booked 2 shows but I'm not performing on them as it's a little to close to our baby's arrival. Baby is due on February 14th (which means I won't have to celebrate Valentine's Day I think) but my bet is on February 4th. You heard it here first. Of course - if the baby is born on the 6th then I will just edit this post accordingly.

2011-01-12T20:09:00.002-05:00

I will be in Mississauga tomorrow for a show with Andrew Evans. I now am on a mission to check Kijiji to see if there is any cool stuff that I can pick up along the way. I may be addicted to Kijiji.

2011-01-11T20:38:00.002-05:00

I bought a war game for PS3 - Call of Duty - World at War. Haven't tried it yet and probably won't even play it. I just bought it because everyone seems to own a Call of Duty game so I want to fit in with all of the "cool people".

I bought it off Kijiji - and ummm...there are some shady areas in Kingston. I will leave it at that. The guy answering the door was 80 years old and in his pyjamas. I don't think he knew what a video game was - maybe that's why it was so cheap.

The show on Sunday was awesome in Kitchener. We already got the reference letter back from the group and a little bit of it is below:

"His show was one that had everybody engaged and laughing. Brian was able to include the audience in a way that is still being talked about in a positive manner days after the event."

That will definitely help with future corporate shows. AND we got another reference letter today from a group that we performed for in December - and it was Andrew's and my favourite corporate of the year. And here is a quote from them:

"What a performance! They had everyone in tears laughing so hard! The jokes were appropriate for the guests, and the group got involved, which made for some great entertainment. We received many phone calls and emails from our employees, thanking us for the best Christmas party in recent memory."

I don't know why I posted stuff - maybe I'm just bragging. No....just happy. And a little bit of bragging.

2011-01-08T20:33:00.005-05:00

This is Ethan in our backyard.

I'm off to Kitchener tomorrow to perform at the same Holiday Inn that I did in mid-December. I do have a hotel room there but I will be driving back on the same night just so I can be back for work on Monday morning. I should theoretically be home around midnight so I will successfully miss all of the Sunday football.

On the menu tonight - sour-cream mashed potatoes, Mediterranean pork tenderloin and coleslaw. I also, for the first time, made brownies. And I will again as they turned out perfectly BUT they were a little too good so in order to keep my weight in check I'll aim to make them once every couple of weeks.

2011-01-07T23:35:00.003-05:00

Saw Bobby Mair and Darren Frost tonight at Time To Laugh. Both great comics and it's great to see them do their full sets. I don't work for Yuk Yuk's so I don't get to see them too often other than the open-mics in Toronto but they are both great to watch. You can check out Darren at www.comedywhore.com - he's filmed 3 DVD's so far - more than any other Canadian comic I know.

2011-01-06T20:57:00.002-05:00

I'm happy to say that we are done Season 4 of Dexter and I did not have the ending spoiled for me. I heard a couple people mention a shocking ending but I never heard what happened. We've got Season 3 & 4 of Weeds so we will start watching those - I'd never watched Weeds before but we've really gotten into it. Highly recommended....if you're under 40.

I'm going to see Darren Frost and Bobby Mair tomorrow night at Time to Laugh - it's Darren's first time since having a wee bit of an altercation in Kingston. You can check out his website at www.comedywhore.com - he's got 3 DVD's out now I believe and he is constantly writing new material which is awesome.

This is my favourite video of Ethan by far - re-enacting Bert & Ernie's "Banana in my ear".

2011-01-05T17:58:00.005-05:00

Macbook is working again - life can officially move on. I don't know how it started working again - but it did and that's all that matters. The picture above is of Ethan looking for a crayon that does not exist. If I took a pic after you would see the markers and crayons lying on the floor as he went nuts and started throwing them.

I just got this message from my buddy Pete who works for a hotel in Ottawa. This message was out of the blue.

"My colleague was telling me about this guy at a comedy show he saw who he thought was awesome. It was you! He saw your NYE show. He loves you"

I can't speak for all comedians - but I really don't like feedback right after I do my set. As in, I don't feel comfortable when people walk up and say "great show" as they may have been saying that because they were walking by and they felt that they had to say it. This quote, on the other hand, is awesome and it really did make my day. Hopefully I don't get another message saying that he thought I was someone else.

I'm 0 for 2 with the slow-cooker. Chicken was dry last night and tonight I made applesauce for the first time. I put a cup of sugar in for it.....yup, you can only taste a little bit of apple. So - to the garbage it goes. I'll probably only need a 1/4 cup me thinks for next time...if there is a next time.

I also don't know why it's red. I don't think I could have screwed up that bad.

2011-01-04T18:59:00.004-05:00

Houston, we have a problem. MACBOOK PRO DOWN, MACBOOK PRO DOWN. You don't understand - Ethan watches this every night before bed. He watches Sesame Street on the computer. How he somehow managed to own that computer instead of the PC I do not know. But he did. So....the screen isn't working right now. Everything else works - just not the screen....so I went on the Apple Support forums and tons of people have the same problems - yet no one has the solution.

That ain't good. Plus - it's a $2,000 computer so I really don't want to buy another. But if worse comes to worse....we're getting another.

It's like someone's trying to tell me not to update my blog. But I will - I just feel dirty though typing on the PC. I'm way too high-class for this.

Here's the dinner we had tonight in keeping with some good eatin. Not the healthiest eating mind you - it's chicken, cream of chicken soup and stuffing...but at least it's somewhat home made (with the exception of the soup and the stuffing....and well, I didn't kill the chicken myself).

2011-01-03T15:21:00.005-05:00

I bought Kathleen a coffee at Starbucks and I thought I'd be nice and leave a tip for the person at the drive-thru. I said "keep the change" but I didn't give her enough money. Brilliant.

As everyone else is - I am starting up the health-kick again. It took a break from December 19-31 - and during that time I ate and drank what I pleased. Oops. Oh well, twas fun. Now back to the grind. This is what I made for dinner - I made my own pesto for the first time and it turned out pretty darn good. Basil leaves, olive oil, red pepper, garlic.

Kathleen and I are back to work tomorrow and Ethan is going back to daycare. Kat has another month off before she goes on Mat Leave again. I think our lives will be a little hectic in February but it's going to be awesome. Day 2 of thinking of the potential baby name and I still like it.

2011-01-02T12:28:00.003-05:00

Yup - avoiding the breakfast sandwich but I'm not avoiding breakfast. I made crepes and pemeal bacon for our weekend brunch. Best. Brunch. Ever. And really easy to make. I've never made pancakes (aside from the pancake mix box) but I can make crepes no problem. Well...even a monkey can.

I'm the cook of the family - Kathleen does not like to cook but I do so it works out. I'll post up what I've made throughout the next week or so and if you're interested in how to make it just let me know.

Comedy show wise - I have a show on the 9th, 13th and 29th this month. February will be a bit quieter as DA BABY is coming! I think we've settled on a name which is great as we were running out of time. I think we have one now that both of us will like.

I'll put up one clip per week of my stand-up on here - that will force me to actually edit stuff and upload it on to Youtube. This one was filmed in November 2010 - and it is the first time that I had actually done this "bit". The bit failed but turned out pretty good at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkcZ5pNQ2Wg

2011-01-01T14:24:00.005-05:00

I had the fantastic experience of performing at Absolute Comedy on the New Year's Eve show - that just topped off a fantastic 2010. Here are a few pics of the evening - I did the countdown to New Year's on the downstairs show.

Daren, Brenda, Moi Jason (owner of Absolute Comedy) and moi

Met up with Daren and Brenda (friends from Ottawa) and we hung around the club until....I don't know what time. What I do know is that if someone says that they will order a pizza - I should not say that I don't care what is on the pizza. I must remember to say "no olives". That's the only food that really triggers my gag reflex. What fun!

It's the first time I've been to the club since Jocko Alston passed away. He was like family at the club and him and I got along great. I would trash=talk him on Blackberry Messenger as he was a Broncos fan and an Edmonton Oilers fan. He had a heart attack and it's left everyone in shock. I still am - it's the first time a friend of mine has passed away. We spoke on email on Monday and he died on the Tuesday. Really makes you think.

New Years Resolutions?

Well - I aim to only have 12 breakfast sandwiches in 2011. So I'm pretty well going from 2 per month to 1 per month. I figure that would help the weight loss. I've lost 32 pounds in about a year and a half or so so I do need to keep that up. Ideally I'd like to lose 5 more and then I'm at my ideal weight. So....taking out 12 breakfast sandwiches should keep me on that goal.

My resolution isn't to lose weight - that can easily be broken. But if I set up some smaller resolutions it will eventually lead to a healthier lifestyle. Right? Right.

That's pretty well the only one I have. I've been fairly decent eating-wise but I do fall off the wagon sometimes (as in ordering a pizza last night).

Here's a pic of Ethan with his Grover mitts and a couple others with Kat. If you want to get anything for Ethan - just have Grover on it and he will love it.

2010-10-28T10:59:00.005-04:00

What a Year So Far

I don't know - it seems like every year gets better. This year is no different.

We have an amazing boy Ethan - his personality has really developed and he's at the stage right now where he loves getting things for me. "Ethan - pass me that bottle opener". "Sure Daddy!" and he'll go and grab me a shoe and give it to me. We're still working out the kinks but we're getting there.

My beautiful wife Kathleen and I are expecting a second child in February - on February 14th actually. Ethan was born on February 13th so if they happen to be born on the same day that could really be cost-effective. We know what gender it is but my brother-in-law doesn't want to know so I won't announce it here.

I love golf - and this year I hit a Hole in One - 129 yards with an 8-Iron. I kept the ball and will be getting it framed because odds are it will never happen again. I'm going to put it next to my first home run ball - although I don't have that framed either. I'm not worried about the baseball going missing but I know if I don't do something with the golf ball soon I'll probably take the "lucky ball" to see if it has any more magic and it'll wind up in a lake in Kingston. My Driver is in a lake in Ottawa - but I put it there on purpose. It wasn't very nice to me.

My brother Brent got married to my fabulous sister-in-law Louise and we all got to attend the wedding in Turks & Caicos.

We sold our house - finally. It was on the market for 4 months and it sold.

We bought a house right away. We moved to Kingston in June and had our eye on one house the whole time. We kept expecting it to sell but it stayed on the market as long as our house did. We can't believe it worked out that day but it did. We move in next Thursday.

From June until next week we will have stayed at my parents house living in the basement. If they didn't live here I don't know what we could have done. We're paying a mortgage in Mississauga but Kathleen got a job in Kingston so we had to move right away. As much as I make jokes about moving back in with da parents - it was the ideal scenario for us and they couldn't have been more accommodating. We feel bad staying so long but I know they were happy to get to know their grandson more.

I've done a lot of comedy shows this year but obviously the Afghanistan shows were the highlight of my career. The only thing left for me is to get on national television and hopefully that will happen sometime in the near future. I'm not looking to get famous - that would be awesome though - I just like reaching the top at anything I do. Getting on national tv won't get me famous - but it'd be a heck of a story to tell the kids.

And obviously - next year will be even better as I'll have TWO people to train to get the bottle opener. At least I'll get a pair of shoes.

2010-10-27T09:26:00.002-04:00

I Love Small Towns

Dave Paterson (www.davepaterson.ca), Andrew Evans (youtube him as he for whatever reason does not have a website) and myself ventured out to Clarence Creek on Saturday night to do a minor hockey fundraiser.

As usual - we always forget something. I asked Andrew to bring the mic stand. He brought everything else EXCEPT the mic stand. He brought the mic clip - smart guy. While I was making fun of him for this I realized that I forgot my wallet in Kingston. SO....I guess we're even.

Andrew also told me he brought a spotlight - and I thought that was brilliant. I didn't realize he had one and since mine was in Toronto this worked out perfectly. That's what I thought anyway until he showed me. He actually only brought the bulb. So we have a bulb but nothing to put it in. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with this - maybe lift it up over our heads whenever we have a good idea - I dunno.

Our hotel was in Rockland so when we checked in the girl at the front desk was giving me directions to my room. There are only 2 floors and my room started with a 2 (225) so I thought I could piece it together myself but I thought I'd listen anyway. She said that it was on the right-hand side then corrected herself and said left-hand. I asked if my room was the one with 225 on the door. She did not laugh - so....I left to my room.

The show was awesome - probably about 120 people there and they had a lot of fun. Dave had the best set I've seen him do.

I love doing these shows. When we bring our show to a town that doesn't have a comedy venue they are always very appreciative. When you feel welcome at a place it makes the evening so much better.

Oh - and I thought I would leave my comedy writing book in Clarence Creek as a thank-you. It is either at the arena or in the hotel - twas fun while it lasted. And it has my journal from Afghanistan in there too so that's GREAT.

2010-10-27T05:50:00.002-04:00

Flight back

We were going for a long flight back. Filled with euchre, food and fun times. Here's a video I got of myself and Alex Gasson - an MMA Fighter.

This was in Germany - and no, I don't know what I was thinking.

We were going to set up a stage in the back to play on but I think everyone was too tired. We got to fly on the PM's plane again so it was a great ride back. I kept on checking my watch though as we were to land at 5:30pm and I had a show at 7pm. I figured there would not be a chance to make it but the show was close enough to the airport that if we landed on time then I could do it.

We landed ahead of time - made it to the show with all of my bags and the show was actually in a military mess. Ya - comedian coming back from Kandahar gets to do a show in a military mess the day he comes back - how many other people have done that? Can't be many. Show was great - got a HUGE ovation when they heard I came back from Afghanistan so when I got on stage I really couldn't fail.

After the show someone from there dropped me off at the Holiday Inn as Louise had booked me a hotel room. I asked to check-in and they didn't have my name in the system. I was dead tired so I was looking for the confirmation number in my bag when a girl came up and asked me about my shirt. It said "Afghanistan 2010" on it so I told her I just came back. She said her hubby was over there and he was a gunner on a Chinook. I said "I was just on a Chinook!" and she let me know that he flew with Guy Lafleur on Monday. That was our helicopter!

Weird how small the world is.

Oh - and as it turns out - I was supposed to go to the Days Inn.

2010-10-27T05:01:00.017-04:00

DUBAI

Please note that I am writing this at 5am and I've been up for an hour. My boy Ethan decided to get up at 4:15am wailing and asking where SnuffleUffleGus (no clue how to spell that....elephant from Sesame Street) went. Obviously it's difficult to try and talk common sense into a 2 1/2 year old - you can't really shake him and say "DAMNIT MAN - IT'S NOT REAL!". Especially at 4:30am - so we decided to look for him and now we're both up. Perfect.

I've never been to Dubai and never really done any research on it (I knew how to spell it - that's about it) but from what I have heard they say that 1/3 of the world's cranes are in Dubai. No doubt - I probably saw over 100 cranes and I was only there for the day.

Below are two pics - they are about 10 minutes apart - you go from HOT desert - to well...ok - the HOT city. But green grass - we hadn't seen that in about a week or so so we were loving Dubai already.

We went to the Dubai Marina & Beach Resort - paid $50 and we got all-day access to the beach. The first thing every single person did was....go get a beer. No beer allowed on the base - and with the heat in Dubai and the water right in front of us - beer was mandatory.

I bought my beer and gave $10 US - the gentleman took the money and put it in the till. I stood there waiting for another minute and he said "your bill is done sir". I guess it was a $10 beer. Well....won't be having too many of those.

I went into the water and I've never felt warmer sea water in my life. Usually there is a chill when you go into the ocean - this was just warm - almost like a hot tub.

Pic on the right is with Edwin from Crash Karma.

Pic on the left is with Wendy from Virgin Radio and on the right is Dave from Crash Karma. He's a replacement for the band and typically plays in Thornley but filled-in for this trip.

We had a fabulous time on the beach and then we decided to hit the market.

One thing to note - you can NOT be drunk or even smell like beer in Dubai in public. Them's the rules. If you are and you're caught - it's a public lashing. So.....we watched our beer VERY carefully as the last people you want to get mad are the UAE Army. They are already not really happy with Canada right now.

The market was nuts - you barter everywhere so you just need to find out how low you can go. The owner of one said $50 and one of our guys replied back, "$1". And the price immediately got dropped to $30. I didn't think that would be the best strategy but it worked.

I bought one pair of shoes. They were too small for me but I really couldn't tell the guy they weren't great. We spent the whole time bartering. I got him down to $20 US so I needed to go to the bank machine. He asked if he could follow me to the bank machine. I thought it was odd so I said "sure". Why not, eh? We got to the bank and none of our bank cards would work - I'm not sure what it was but I was with a few other people and none worked. So I turned to the guy and said sorry - couldn't buy them. He asked if I had ANY money on me. I had $15 Canadian. He took it. SO THAT'S HOW YOU BARTER. Just walk around with very little cash - give a frowny face and say "that's all I have".

Below is a pic of the tallest building in the world. I really should have thought about it before taking the pic as it doesn't look very tall from that angle. The light post in front looks taller.

For dinner we went to the Irish Village - or better known as the White People Hangout. Everyone there was white - it was very odd to see right in Dubai. There were probably a couple thousand people at the Village.

After dinner we headed back to where we were sleeping - and of course before that we had to stand outside while someone from the UAE Army inspects all of us and our passport. You know - the usual.

2010-10-26T11:25:00.015-04:00

Day 5

Da last day in Afghanistan. This is where we got to visit the Alamo of the Taliban - their last stand at the airport.

This is where they said Bin Laden was when the US dropped a bomb on the airport. The bomb didn't explode but there was a HUGE hole in the ceiling obviously and although it didn't go off - I'm pretty sure it still hurt a couple of people.

Nice picture to have. There probably used to be a "falling bombs" one.

From there we got our group pic - and I got one with the fighters.

The pic to the right is of Gavin and Louise - the faboulous people that set up the trip.

After we finished up at the airport we moved on to the hospital on the base - run by mainly Canadians and Americans. Below is a pic of the chief surgeon - he's a Washington Capitals fan (as you can see by the hat) - poor guy.

From there we went on to our hockey game. We were playing against the troops in this match....and it wasn't really a match. We got our butts handed to us. In the tv clip they said we lost 6-2 - they were being nice to us. I know they AT LEAST had 11 goals.

I've never been more exhausted than when I played in that game. Because we are at a high altitude, breathing in sand and playing in 40 degree weather - I thought I was going to vomit. No joke - when we watched a game on Monday with Canada vs Slovakia in ball hockey - 2 Canadian guys went over to the garbage can, threw up, and hopped back on the bench. Apparently it was common but I was really hoping not to join that elite group. I got to play on the same line as Guy Lafleur - not too many common folk get to say that.

And here is a link from the Canadian Press about the game:
http://www.lethbridgeherald.com/hockey-night-in-kandahar/2/241/1.html

After the game we got packed up to leave Kandahar. The week REALLY flew by. Before we left they took us to the memorial to commemorate all of the Fallen Soldiers in Afghanistan.

They will be taking the Memorial back to Canada when the troops pull out. This is a beautiful memorial and the best piece of architecture in Afghanistan.

We had our last dinner with the crew at KAF and then we flew off to just outside of Dubai.

We took a Herc out - and if you have been on one of those planes before - you know how loud it can be. This flight was only 3 hours - I took a Herc to Hawaii one time and it was 10 hours. That may have been the longest 10 hours of my life - but it was only $15 to fly from Winnipeg to Hawaii so you can't really argue about the price.

We arrived and I think everyone crashed immediately as we were off to Dubai in the morning.

2010-10-25T17:33:00.011-04:00

Day 4

Today we were off to visit the air force area and see the choppers.

Here is where I met Jerry Reid - he's a gunner for the Griffin helicopter. I have been in a Griffin helicopter before and that was when I rode with a bunch of 8 year olds on Family Day. Jerry's a great guy and I think he has the best job in the CF. He said that EVERYONE is happy to see him (except Taliban) as they are mainly there to cover the ground troops and the Chinooks. He said that he loves to have everyone's back - very cool.

Pat Coutu was our pilot on Monday and I met him. He looks MUCH more intimidating with the helmet on. Really nice guy and I'm hoping to meet up with both of these guys when they're back home.

From here we had some lunch and got ready to watch the MMA fights. BOO-YA. I wasn't really a huge fan of UFC or MMA before but I really enjoyed watching this.

The strange part was that these guys had to hang out for the week - which must be a little bit strange as they are going to be punching each other on this day.

All of the fighters had something to say to the Canadian troops which was great. Well most of them did - one was knocked out so we let that slide THIS TIME.

We went back to the Canada House where I bumped into some old army buddies. I'll post those pics up in a bit.

2010-10-24T15:19:00.020-04:00

Day 3

Well - this was the day of the big show - October 12.

We started off with the MMA weigh-in in the morning and they did it right outside the Canada House. It was definitely a show for the ladies as all of them were bare-chested so there were quite a few cat-calls. After seeing this I decided to keep my shirt on for the duration of the trip. They did the stare down against their opponent and then moved on with the next weigh-ins. I joked about making bets on guys and one of the fighters said "if someone bets against me I'm going to be pissed". I decided not to mention it to them anymore - although I did ask one guy to go down in the second round for me - and he did not.

From there we went and checked out the CF weaponry - and we have a lot of it. I met guys that go deep outside the wire and some guys knew just a wee bit too much about sniper rifles. I'm not sure exactly what they do but I think I pieced it together. I got to here stories about how one guy actually had to shoot his way out of a situation. "All part of what we do". HOLY. That has to be one of the biggest adrenaline rushes of someone's life. I'm glad he made it out.

And yes - I was like a little kid saying "Can I go in the tank? Can I hold the shotgun?" Well - I hope little kids don't ask about the shotgun but you know what I mean.

From there we had an option to either prep for the show in the evening or go see a UAV - it's a Canadian drone. I'm really glad that I chose to do this as it was very interesting to see. We got to see the communications area and what they do and we got to see a UAV land - and I asked if I was able to tape it and post it and they said no problem so here it is. The video is a minute long but it takes about 30 seconds for you to actually see it.

After that we got to go see one of the most disgusting things you can imagine. They call it the "poo pond". There's not a proper sewage system in Kandahar so they actually just have a pond in the base where they drain the sewage. And yes - it was my fault - I jokingly said that we should go and see it but I guess the driver did not understand the sarcasm. So - I nearly vomited as the smell is just brutal but I managed to get a pic from the bus. When we were driving by there was a guy right beside it that was just eating a sandwich. That baffled me.

After that we went back to get ready for the show. About 30 minutes before the show we heard a siren wail and that indicated that we were getting a rocket attack. So we did what they said and hit the dirt. Waited 30 seconds and then went inside. They said that we were lucky because there are usually 3 or 4 in a week but we'd only had 1 so far. Lucky me! Everyone was calm though so it wasn't an issue.

We got to meet the Commanding Officer of the Afghanistan mission in the back tent. He made the intros for the show and forgot my name. I forget what I said but we had a good laugh about it when he came back in and someone snapped a picture at that time which is below. He also gave all of us the Commander's Coin so I am going to get this pic framed with the coin.

The Ricky Paquette Band was on first and they were awesome. JF, Martin and Ricky were all great guys on the trip and the crowd loved them - they put on a helluva show.

Wendy Daniels came back on (she was the host) and brought up Paul Gross to say a few words and Guy Lafleur threw some jerseys to the audience. Funny thing - they had every jersey except for a Leafs one. I personally think Guy burned them on the plane.

And then I was up - and it was great. Loved it - every second. I've got some pics here.

After me Crash Karma came on and closed the show. During their second last song our base launched 10 rockets towards the Taliban. It was unbelievable to see those rockets flying while they were playing. The most expensive light show in history me thinks.

2010-10-21T21:54:00.013-04:00

Thanksgiving Monday

What better way to spend Thanksgiving Monday! With the troops in Kandahar City and the surrounding area - nothing could have been better. With the exception of the weather anyway.

I was one of the four people selected to fly out on a Chinook helicopter and visit our troops "outside the wire" - which is outside of the safe zone. I really lucked out as the lead singer from the Ricky Paquette Band (his name is Ricky Paquette - weird coincidence) was supposed to be on the trip but he backed out as he flew on the Chinook last year - and instead of choosing between his band members on who should go - he just backed out to give someone else the opportunity. And that person was me.

As he was backing out I walked up to Lou (the fabulous organizer for the trip) and said that if there were any cancellations then I would love to go. She said "It's full". I let her know that I knew that but if anything changes just to let me know. Not even 2 minutes later she came up and told me I was going. AWESOME.

So it's me, Guy Lafleur, Wendy Daniels and Paul Gross going to see da boys and girls in some FOB's.

The Chinook itself was unbelievable - we had about 25-30 people in ours and it is FAST. We were flying 30 feet off the ground and I was thinking "man, we're REALLY low". Then we went up to I don't know how high and thought "man, I wish we were low again".

There were two Chinooks - we were in one and the Chief of Defense Staff and the Minister of National Defense were in the other.

We landed at our first location (I won't be giving names) and I got to ride around in a Lav - no, not a toilet - it's a vehicle. And I really hope I got the name right as I was in the Reserves so I should know this. Pic below. I also met Warrant Shultz who happened to be from Kingston. He took this pic of me from the back of the Lav and we'll be meeting up for a beer when he gets back. If I remember correctly he's due back in Kingston on November 23rd and he's got a baby due on the same day. So....cutting it close.

The best moment in my comedy career came on this day. Ever since I started comedy I've always wanted to perform for the troops. Well - as Guy and Paul were signing autographs and Wendy was doing radio interviews a soldier asked me if I would be willing to do my act for them. Mind you - it's 9am, there will not be a microphone - but there is no way in Hell I'll be turning that down. Many of these soldiers would not have an opportunity to come back to the base on Tuesday to see our actual show so at least we were able to give a little something to them. And that show actually went well - sans microphone.

After I was finished the Chief of Defense Staff, the Minister of Veterans Affairs and the Minister of National Defense each gave speeches to the troops. And great ones at that - the CDS is very inspirational. And now when I do comedy shows I can actually say I opened for him.

The second base we flew to was quite a bit smaller. There was no hockey rink. They were lucky to have a port-a-potty . This is where I met the guys who disarm the IED's (like in the Hurt Locker). They were showing me videos of this.

They also got me to stand on top of the wall to get a picture. Probably the dumbest dare that I have done in my life. "Oh don't worry - there shouldn't be any Taliban around here" - as I'm standing on top of the base in the wide open. Dumb - but nothing happened so it turned out to be a cool picture.

I also did a show there and this time it was for about 50 people and not only was there not a microphone - there wasn't a stage. Yup - I performed for 50 troops on top of a gas truck. In hindsight - I have no clue what I was thinking when I thought standing on a gas truck in a war zone would be a good idea. I must say it's a little intimidating to do a show for a group that is armed with rifles and grenades.

From there we went to the third base where the MND and the CDS were going to assist in serving turkey dinner for the troops.

There was a guy - a reporter for a popular newspaper in Canada - that was......(Brian - keep this blog family friendly keep this blog family friendly)....heavyset - yes, heavier than the average Joe (I would assume he's in the 100th percentile) (DAMNIT Brian) - and he kept talking to his colleague about how he could hardly wait to have the turkey dinner. He lives in Afghanistan so he was looking forward to the turkey.

Well - I was standing talking to someone that lives in Kabul when I heard this "Ohhhhhhhhhhh" - just kind of a weird scream. I look over and the gentleman sat down on a bench - and I watched as the bench broke in half, he fell back and the turkey dinner pretty well flew to Pakistan. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen.

But I didn't laugh. The girl I was talking to didn't laugh. I looked around and the troops in line for the turkey didn't laugh. Canada HAS to be breeding the best poker players in the world as everyone kept a straight face. We were there and he asked to be helped up and a soldier came over and grabbed his hand - the guy said he needed another soldier to help him up as well so another came over.

When all was said and done he didn't get his turkey dinner which I honestly felt bad about. But I walked up to the girl - just to check - and I said "Was that the funniest thing you've seen in a while or what?" And she said "I don't know how I kept from laughing". Yet we both spoke to each other in a serious matter the whole time. Maybe I'm a decent poker player too (although I have proven that I am not).

When I got back I had a little bit of the "waves" - my electrolytes were low and I knew that and it was a strange feeling. I kind of felt like I was floating so I told Mike Turner (guitarist for Crash Karma) and he gave me a B12 supplement or something like that - I forget what it was called. I thanked him and took the pill and started thinking.....wait a sec - under normal circumstances this would not be a good idea. I just accepted a small white pill from a rocker.

The video below is my view from the Chinook. You'll see a Griffin helicopter pop up in the background - they have 2 follow each Chinook. If you look closely you can see all of the sand that gets kicked up from the Chopper - I'd hate to be on the ground when we flew by as it formed about a 50 foot sand wall.

2010-10-20T18:07:00.015-04:00

Flight over

I'll do these in a series of days I guess - there's too much to talk about in one blog.

I was chosen to be part of Team Canada at the last minute. I got an e-mail from my booking agent asking me if I'd like to go to Kandahar. As I've never been there before - I figured why not. Just kidding - it's always been my dream to perform stand-up for our troops and I jumped at the chance - I had to cancel work for a week and 2 gigs but I didn't even think of not going. How could I pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

I went to the doctor's office to get my needles - since I didn't have my vaccination card we kind of had to guess what I already had. "What disease was in 1994? I got that shot". By the time I was finished with the needles I looked like I should be on Intervention. Fun times.

I then called CAA about life insurance and we all had a great laugh about that. Nope - CAA doesn't cover Afghanistan. Who knew?

So - I take the train on Saturday October 9, Thanksgiving weekend, and I arrive in Ottawa. They asked for me to go to the Canada Reception Centre. I had no clue where that was but they said it was by the airport. Which is good as we were flying.

I show up and I meet Tuna - Mark Fortuna - sound guy for Crash Karma. I am not a music buff by any means but I figured they were a rock band. Me smart.

The next person I meet? Paul Gross. I had no clue who was going on this trip so I was pretty amazed to see him. Also on the trip - 106.9 Virgin Radio's Wendy Daniels, the Ricky Paquette Band, Guy Lafleur and 10 MMA Fighters.

We get the speech from Gavin Lee - a SAR Tech from the Canadian Forces - google it if you don't know what it is. Awesome job. He gives us a briefing of what we're doing. He points to the plane and let's us know that's what we're flying in. Yup - the Prime Minister's plane. We do a meet and greet and off we went

Reno, our pilot - FUNNY guy. A little too funny - I didn't know if he actually knew how to fly a plane but he's one of the best from what I've heard. Please note that I only heard that from him. And he landed our plane so all was good in the end. I got to sit in the cockpit like a little kid and just stare out at the darkness as we flew. I got a couple of pics that I've attached.

On the plane we set up somewhat of a stage in the back so the bands got to rock out and I got to do a few minutes of stand-up just to say I did that at 40,000 feet.

Our first landing was in Germany - so I got a picture with some German writing in the background so I could prove that I was actually there. I didn't see anything - but I've physically landed there now so I can say that I don't need to go again. We were in Dodden or Fodden or something like that.

From there we flew over to just outside Dubai. I was trying to get a little bit of sleep in but there was a movie on with Keifer Sutherland in it and it was a wee bit disturbing. A girl ripped her face off. As fake as it is - when you're trying to sleep - that picture really doesn't make the sheep start jumping over the fence.

While on the plane I was talking to one of the guys from Crash Karma. I asked him if he'd been in other bands and he said he was the drummer for the Tea Party. Now - like I said, I'm not a music buff - BUT I do know The Tea Party. But I couldn't piece it together - I started thinking that maybe the cd I had was the Boston Tea Party as he couldn't possibly be the rocker for that band. But he was. The guitarist (Mike Turner) was from Our Lady Peace and the lead singer Edwin was from I Mother Earth. Very cool.

I have no clue what time we landed but it was light outside in UAE. Like 35 degree hot. We got there - gave up our passports and got a mug shot. You don't actually take your passports in Afghanistan - you leave them behind and take a photocopy. They gave us our gear (helmet, flak jacket) and we boarded a C-117 to fly to Kandahar. I thought it was fairly comfortable - the only thing that was a little awkward is that about 2 feet in front of me were a crate full of explosives. So the whole flight I was hoping for a smooth ride.

Flying into Kandahar was great - they turned off all of the lights in the plane, we did a couple of small maneuvers and landed. With the plane we were on there were no windows so when we were declining for a while it reminded me of Die Hard 2 when they crashed a little early. In those planes it's extra special when the wheels hit the ground...softly.

We were greeted at the airport by Peter MacKay and the Chief of Defense Staff. We were also greeted by the smell of.....poop. Yes - at the base - they don't have a sewage treatment plant. They put "everything" in the "poo pond". Revolting. Just terrible. Of course, and I don't know why - but 3 days later I asked to see this pond. Honestly - when am I going to see this 8th Wonder of the World again?

Went to sleep and the next day I flew "outside the wire".

DUN DUN DUN - cue music to say stay tuned.

Baby? Already?

2008-02-13T23:10:00.007-05:00

Ethan Daniel Greenway Hope is born!

Here's the story:

So...sitting at work and my wife Kathleen calls letting me know she's not feeling well - has cramps. I ask her if she wants me to come home. She says no - it's not labour - just really bad pains. Please note - I am not the smartest man - so I say okay, no problem.

I get home around 5:30pm and she is in PAIN. Having these pains every minute or so. Which, having watched one video on "Laugh and Learn About Childbirth" (oooohhhh, the laughing that ensued after watching this video - from a comedian's perspective....not funny) I learned that I should time these pains. I personally thought they were contractions and I asked if we should go to the hospital. Kat and I agreed that since it's our first baby - how could it arrive early? She went to the doctor on Monday and he said that she's not ready yet.

So, we went in our little handbook, called the Triage nurse, and she said that these are pre-labour pains and that she's not in labour. Now that I think about it we could have been talking to a custodian who's last Hurrah was to screw with the patients.

Kathleen goes to the washroom - only place she's comfortable. I, as being a caring husband for my future child, ate mini-eggs and watched the Sens lose horribly to the Sabres. Mmmmm, mini-eggs. Me likes them.

At around 10pm I let Kat know that I was going to bed. This is normal as she can't sleep in the bed as it's uncomfortable so she's been sleeping on the couch. I kept my cell phone by my side in case she needed a drink of water or something. So here's me, 10:00PM, falling asleep to Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Oh yes, sweet dreams happen after you watch this show.

12:08AM. Cell phone rings. It's Kat. "I can feel the baby's head! The baby's coming!!!!" This is said with crying and screaming. Normally, I would make a comment like "So...no hello? No 'how are you?'" But, in order to keep my life, I dropped the phone and ran downstairs. And yes, the BABY WAS COMING. I went from being dead asleep to attempting to deliver a baby. These are the dreams I usually have after falling asleep to SVU ironically.

12:10AM. I call 911. They tell me to lie her down and all that jazz - make a makeshift delivery area with towels and blankets. Kat's been bugging me for two weeks to change the bed sheets in our bedroom, and since she hasn't been sleeping in there, I haven't changed them. I decided to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and grab those sheets.

While I'm talking to the operator I now realize that this would be the only time that it would be appropriate to use a bluetooth headset and not look like an idiot. The operator lets me know that due to the snowstorm the ambulance is 25 minutes away. PERFECT. Firetrucks and police will be here shortly.

I won't go into the nitty gritty but the lady on the phone asked if I could see the head. I said I didn't know - I saw something - felt like a head - or maybe a deformed butt. Kat's screaming, I'm in a wee bit of a panic mode - then the 911 operator let me know that the firemen have arrived. These guys came in - calm, cool, and collective, and took over. A policewoman came in and the 911 operator asked me to give the phone to her so I can support Kat when she's giving birth.

I am VERY happy that I cut my hair on the weekend so Kat didn't have anything to pull. She called me names that we'll have to discuss over dinner at a later date and that are probably not appropriate for the blog. I was sitting behind her head (oh, and we looked like the coolest couple - because I was wearing my gym clothes WITH black socks and she had no pants) and she was using my triceps as stress balls. Comfortable - but I can't really complain about this as she's probably in a bit more pain. Probably.

The paramedics say that they'll have to get her to a Hospital. Now the heart starts pumping as I'm thinking there's something wrong. The ambulance is full so the policewoman asked if I wanted a ride with her. I said no as I'll drive my car. She said I could follow her. Easy, right? Perfect plan?

I run up, grab all the stuff that we need for the delivery room for when Ethan is born, come back down, lock the door, turn around - police car is gone. Didn't wait for me to follow. I think - well, I'll follow the ambulance as it's sitting right there. Not a problem. Right? Wrong. I wipe off the car, wait for the ambulance to leave. It's not moving. I'm wondering what's going on in there so I run up to the ambulance and look inside. THE AMBULANCE IS RUNNING BUT NO ONE'S IN THE FREAKING THING! I've been duped!!

Side note: When I thought about it after I left, the neighbors probably think I committed a horrible crime. As Kat was lying down in our front hallway she was screaming louder than I've ever heard someone scream before. Then the police show up with the firetruck and the ambulance. I'm thinking of putting up yellow caution tape around my house tomorrow just to keep the rumours going.

So, I go to drive to the hospital. It's Trillium, not William Osler which is the one we were supposed to go to. I've never been to Trillium but the guy said that it was at Hurontario and Queensway. Okay....so I'll drive around and look for the Hospital. Cuz I've got a lot of time. Yup. I go to phone 411 to get the exact address - and then realized that the policewoman still has my phone. Is this possible? Did this happen? Do I now have no way to contact family and all that about the baby? What if Kat is trying to call me? I'm thinking that I'm a dead man driving. So....I turn the car around, get Kat's phone from the house, and start phoning my phone because now I can actually have contact with the people who have Kat. IF they pick up the phone. Which they didn't the first 5 times.

Finally, someone picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hi yes, you have my cell phone. How is Kathleen doing?"

"Who's this?" Who's this.....REALLY????? 1AM, you're answering MY PHONE, and you're asking who it is? Who do you think it is?????? Is what I wanted to say with a couple more curses....

"Uhhh, the husband (they never got my name - kept on calling me Dad which I didn't catch on to right away. In the midst of Kat's expletives she managed to say that they're talking to me). You are talking on my phone."

"Oh - she's in Emergency right now - no word yet". Jesus. What the hell does that mean?

So, I call my parents, let them know the baby is coming.

I call my mother-in-law to let her know the same thing. I get a call on the other line - it's the paramedic who now has my phone and he let me know that the baby was born! In Emergency at Trillium at 12:59AM. I was at Hurontario and Dundas at the time so I was pretty close to seeing him born (although I did see his head before anyone else).

So, to make a long story long. I was woken up at midnight and in less than an hour I was a Dad, two weeks before I expected to be. Tis a great feeling. The nurse told me that for our next baby (if there is) that we should come in when she is feeling those pains again. NO SHIT.

Kat was a real trooper - I don't know how she put up with the pain. Ethan's a healthy boy and I look forward to when he can fetch me beer.